The Road Not Taken

Living a fairly frugal life and voluntarily simplifying our consumption makes our family feel a bit out of step sometimes.  Everyone around us in the 'burbs seems to constantly grab lattes on the go, play with their smart phones and get periodic mani-pedis.  ...Ok, the last one is typically only done by the women in our community.  Technically, not "everyone" indulges in that one.  But you know what I mean.

Our family doesn't miss indulging in those sorts of things.  Honestly, we don't.  But even at church, where one might think that mammon is worshipped less, we seem to be surrounded by people who live a more pampered lifestyle than we do.  It does at times make you feel a bit odd.  It can even play with your mind at times: "What is wrong with us?!"

It reminds me of the famous Asch psychology experiments in the 1950s, which demonstrated the influence of peer beliefs on an individual's own beliefs and conformity to group norms.  The experiment involved a group of college students who were asked a serious of questions.  Unbeknownst to the real test subject, the others in the group were all working in conjunction with the psychologist who was conducting the experiment.  Those other people had been told to answer the questions in the same way.  Sometimes they all gave the correct answer, but other times they all gave the same incorrect answer.  Some of the real test subjects tried to resist the peer pressure and give correct answers--even when all the others in the group gave the same incorrect answer.  However, they couldn't keep it up.  Eventually, about 75% of the test subjects gave up and purposely gave incorrect answers simply to conform with the others in the group. 

I first read about the Asch experiments several decades ago in an undergrad psychology course, but it really impressed me and I think about it not infrequently.  How strong is our human desire to conform to the group and to not be different.  No one wants to be a weirdo!

I'm convinced that is what underpins the "Keeping Up With the Joneses" mentality, which keeps us on a treadmill of overwork to afford our over-consumptive lifestyles.  It is important to recognize what is going on and to get off that treadmill.

And in the 'burbs where pretty much everyone else is on that treadmill, I know that is so hard.  But I want to encourage you that it is worth it.  Our family spends less money now on our needs and luxuries than we have in a very long time--certainly in the adult years of my husband and my lives.  But we are happier than ever.  We cook together, watch movies from the library, and play in local parks.  These are good times.

To be continued?

But I do want to find time to blog because, truthfully, here in the 'burbs, I feel a constant tension between wanting to focus on those priorities and the societal pressures that push us towards materialism and consumerism. 

My husband has half joked over the years that he wants our family to be a self-contained unit.  I love family time as much as the next person.  But we need to be involved in community and have friends, so we cannot be completely self-contained.

But because of the pushes towards materialism and consumerism, I do wonder periodically if we should be living elsewhere.  But where?

Sometimes I think we should trade our big, modern, HOA-governed house in a well-planned neighborhood for a home in an older, more modest neighborhood.  I have even identified neighborhoods and looked at real estate listings.  But those houses tend to be smaller.  We need a certain amount of space because we homeschool and are in the process of adopting again.  I'd love a smaller home for the upkeep, but it will be a while until we are out of the child-rearing stage and can downsize like that.

Sometimes I think we should move to a rural home and homestead.  But then I remember I am terrified of snakes and scorpions, and I've never even successfully gardened.  Plus all the extra driving would be so time-consuming.  And there are amenities we love about living in part of a large metropolitan area.  We are heavy users of the library system--both participating in activities and checking out books and other media.  And this year, my kids and I have explored the performing arts more.  I found frugal ways to get us to the symphony, opera and ballet.  Very fun!  I don't want to leave those things behind.

And to be honest, I am so tired of moving.  I've moved a fair amount in my life and now I just want to stay put.  I want to bloom where I am planted currently.  I do dream of retiring to a little condo with my hubby some day when we are empty nesters.  But for now, the big house in the 'burbs is the best fit.

So, for better or worse, I foresee being in this house for quite a while.  And I need to ever improve my ability to resist the pressures towards materialism and consumerism.  I'm sure I'm not the only one struggling in that regard!

Has it been that long?

So, blogging is not my top priority in life.  (Surprise, surprise!)  And this is a blog about voluntary simplicity, which makes me feel like I should never stress about fitting in time to write.  But, wow!  Has it really been over a year since I posted?!  Yikes.

What have I been doing in that time? 

Raising my kids.

Dealing with some health issues (mine and other family members).

Traveling.

Volunteer work.

Blogging is not my top priority, but those things are: family, wellness, travel and helping others.  Anything else is a cherry on top!


 

Kids' Recreational Sports Leagues

So here in the 'burbs, there can be a lot of social pressure to spend money in ways we don't need or want to.  I promised I'd share some real life examples.  Here is one that I constantly find frustrating.  It comes in the context of the recreational sports leagues we sign our kids up for.

Let me back up by saying that my husband and I were never jocks.  But we appreciate the role of athletics in helping kids to grow and learn.  Beyond giving them exercise to be healthy, organized sports teaches them all kinds of great lessons.  Team work.  Perseverance.  Setting goals.  Leadership.  Hard work.  Slow improvement over time.  Empathy.  Respect for others.  For these and other reasons, we have long had our kids in community sports programs for soccer, basketball, volleyball and swimming. 

The cost is typically not that bad because they are run by the cities where we've lived and we get a resident discount.  For the most part, these have been great experiences.  Our kids have learned a lot each time. 

But there are hidden costs in many cases.  Most are socially instigated by other parents.  Let me share some examples.  If you are a parent, this may be familiar to you.

(1) Team Photos.  As I was never in organized sports as a kid, this one caught me off-guard.  But every single team my kids have been on has had a designated picture day.  We all have to get to the field or pool an hour or more early to wait around and then get our picture taken.  There are typically group and individual photos.  The first few times we ordered a modest package of photos.  We did this for two main reasons.  First, we had more income in those days and it wasn't that big a deal to us.  Second, everyone else was doing it and we didn't want to look cheap.  Note that neither reason involved wanting the darned pictures.  We can take our own darn pictures, thank you very much.  I never like cheesy, staged photos anyhow. 

But one year, during the height of the Great Recession, I noticed a single mom of one of my daughter's teammates was holding her kid back, he was the only one on the team not participating in photos.  From some basic stuff the mom had previously shared, it didn't take a genius to figure out they didn't have a lot of money.  Professional photos from the soccer season weren't in the budget.  I felt profoundly sad that that mom and her child seemed to be embarrassed to be the odd ones out and their lack of funds was the cause of that.  That was the last time we ordered the photos from one of my kids' sports teams. 

We still always dutifully show up for the team photo, but we don't take the individual photos.  We could afford them.  But there are always opportunity costs with every purchase.  There are other things I'd rather do with our money than buy overpriced, staged photos. 

And normally I am second to none in my admiration and support of small businesses.  But I take exception when it comes to the professional photographers that take these team pictures.  All the parents feel guilted into buying a package.  It is an extortive way to make a living and doesn't provide much (if any) social good.

(2) Snacks.  I don't know if it has always been this way, but ever since my kids began participating in organized sports, there is an unwritten rule that the kids must be rewarded with a snack after the game.  Heck, sometimes, the unwritten rule says they also get one at half time!  The only exception seems to be swim team.  But that is probably only because food is not allowed by the pool.

Occasionally a coach will strongly recommend that the snacks be fresh fruit.  But usually the parents buy whatever they want and the snacks are highly processed, high in sugar and/or fat.  The kids get cookies, potato chips, snack bars, etc. to eat.  Along with sugary punch or sports drinks. 

We live in a hot climate, so I'm down with orange wedges or grapes at half time.  But anything else, I find wasteful and counterproductive.  There is a childhood obesity epidemic.  A lot of the kids on the sports teams are a bit pudgy. Occasionally a teammate is obese and has trouble even participating. 

In light of the reality, I don't know why we insist in filling kids with empty calories after they just burned some off.  And the snacks are typically processed and sold in wasteful packaging.  Just one team's post-game snack creates a lot of trash, most of it not even recyclable. 

But this is one modern tradition that I cannot get out of gracefully.  Everyone is expected to sign up to bring snack at least one game of the season.  So, I grin and bear it.  And I at least try to watch sales and get the most economical snacks I can find.

(3) Coach's Gift.  Towards the end of the season, invariably some parent takes it upon him/herself to organize a taking up of money to buy the coach a gift.  Our family tends to like to bake some homemade cookies for our kids' coaches as a more personal, less expensive gift.  Sometimes that works to gracefully get out of the group gift.  And other times, the coach has been so exceptional and the suggested donation is low enough that we chip in.  But often, the organizing parent has a particular item in mind and it is premised upon everyone chipping in a fixed amount that is higher that my husband and I think appropriate. 

It is not that we are ungrateful, far from it.  Volunteer coaches have one of their own kids on the team.  They don't volunteer to get a trophy or plaque or gift card.   I think we should always show our heartfelt appreciation for those who volunteer their time for the good of the community.  But I resent pushy parents telling others they "have" to kick in a certain amount to buy the coach a meaningless piece of junk he/she is likely going to throw in a neglected corner of his/her garage (or in his/her garbage can) before long. 

Indeed, this whole tradition is part of a wider modern phenomenon of gift giving that I find toxic.  Holidays have been distorted and others have been invented just to promote gift giving.  We are now always giving people gifts to the point that the act loses its significance.  Moreover, some come to view them as an entitlement.  Someone recently asked me, "What did your family give you for Mother's Day?"  I wasn't sure how to answer, we don't give gifts at all holidays like that.  My kids and I instead volunteered to cook a special meal for some homeless families at our church.  It was a glorious day.  Our project and the time with my kids made me very happy.

(4) Trophies.  So many people these days mock the current generation of kids and young adults because they are being raised or were raised in a culture where prizes have become meaningless.  Everyone gets a prize for showing up.  The modern mindset is that to distinguish some as better than others would hurt some kids' feelings, so everyone gets a science fair ribbon or a sports trophy.  I have a lot of sympathy for those who are disgusted with this modern approach.  But I can tell you that here in the trenches, it is mighty hard to buck this trend. 

My oldest daughter has been participating in organized sports for 7 years now.  We have an entire shelf in our home library just covered with trophies from all the teams she has been on.  She is no Mia Hamm or Brittney Griner.  She tries her best and has improved over the years.  But we're not betting on a sports scholarship for college.  Yet she has more sports trophies than we can store.  Each one was something that every player in the whole league got for just showing up.  On the last day of each season, the league organizers have to lug boxes of the darned things to the games. 

Alternately, some leagues don't provide the trophy, but invariably some parent takes it upon him/herself to organize the purchase of trophies for everyone.  My husband and I always try to resist.  It is hard because invariably we are the ONLY family not chomping at the bit to buy another trophy, and typically there is a group discount that no one gets unless 100% of the players buy a trophy. 

This season we had an experience that really blew my mind.  The parent organizing the trophies for one of my daughter's soccer team asked at the beginning of the season if parents were interested in buying one to be handed out at the last game.  My husband and I politely and immediately flagged we would not be interested.  The organizing parent thanked us for our response, but then asked a number of other times to make sure since we were apparently the only family on the entire team declining to purchase the trophy.  I explained how we already had a ton of them from all the seasons our daughter had played sports and frankly we were out of room.  But this was not enough for this gentleman.  He ended up buying an engraved trophy with our daughter's name out of his own pocket so she wouldn't be the only one without a trophy at the end of season picnic, which we couldn't even attend since we had a prior commitment.  So we have the darned trophy anyhow!  And to make matters worse, it is so huge that it doesn't even fit on the shelf with all the others.  We've had to display it more prominently on a shelf with more space.  Oy, vey!

My other daughter played volleyball in a different league this season, and that league provided trophies for all players on the last day.  I was grateful to not have to deal with the issue of paying for the burden of another trophy.  However, I found it astounding that she and her teammates got a trophy because her team had a losing season.  And not by just a smidge.  Until the last day of the season, her team had not only not won a single match, they hadn't even won a single set!  They had lost miserably in straight sets week after week after week.  But in the current climate, the first place team and the last place team "earn" the same trophy. 

Not only do I find this a waste of resources and not a prudent way to raise kids, but I am just appalled at the environmental impact.  Nothing but parental guilt keeps us holding on to all these meaningless trophies.  But at some point, they will go in the trash--even if it is not until they move out of the house and it seems more socially acceptable to get rid of them.  My kids have tons of these trophies at this point.  Think of that multiplied by all the other kids who get these darned things nationwide.  What a huge landfill need that creates! 

Simply Sunday #15

Hello!

So, here is something I've done recently to simplify my life...

I organized my bedroom closet!  So simple, but it has really lifted my spirits. 

Though in the last year I've given away a tremendous amount of clothing and reduced by 75% the amount of closet space I was consuming, my closet still felt cluttered.  At this point, I don't want to get rid of anything else.  But the problem was that everything was a huge, chaotic mess.

One problem was that clothing I only use part of the year was taking up room in seasons when I couldn't use it.  As we are now well into summer, I took the opportunity to collect all the winter clothing and put it in one location, out of the way.  That thinned the rest of the closet and freed up more space.

I also gathered together things I need to hold onto, but don't need frequently, e.g., formal attire.  Those items too are now out of my way.

It has felt so liberating to have a de-cluttered, more organized closet!  If I get time, I would like to organize it more.  But for the time being, just getting out of the way out of season and occasionally used items has helped tremendously. 

I feel like I've expanded my closet space simply by organizing the existing space better.  That same reality happens all over our homes.  We sometimes think we need a certain square footage and/or rented storage space to hold all our stuff.  But in truth, we often can make due with less through a combination of being realistic about what we actually use and need, and organizing our existing space more wisely.

I hope this helps!  Have a great day.

Unexpected Gifts

So, our family has gone through three different major simplifying life changes that cut our household income approximately in half.  Each one has been a little scary initially.  But we're frugal and we're savers.  And we've planned a lot before each one of these life changes.  So ultimately we didn't have any real serious concerns.  And we never had any regrets.  Quite the opposite.

But one of the things we've experienced each time was the prospect of cutting out (more!) luxuries from our family budget.  This last major life change was in some ways the most jarring.  It took our family to the lowest income level we've ever had.  Again, we'd planned a lot beforehand and knew it was possible.  But especially in the beginning we really had to tighten our belt.  We didn't go out to eat much previously, but we cut it out completely for a full year.

I'm not into Coach purses, my husband doesn't want a sports car.  Neither of us drinks or gambles.  But travel and eating out are our two weaknesses.  So this was a sacrifice.  But we knew it was not forever.  And frankly, some people never get to go out to restaurants.  We're blessed to have eaten out as many times as we have in our lives.  And we were confident that we would again at another point in our life.

But one thing that was really interesting was that once we began this year long restaurant fast, we began to receive gift cards to eat out. 

One friend gave me a Starbuck's card when I left my job.  I never buy fancy coffee for myself, so that was a real treat. 

Another friend completely out of the blue sent me a gift card for a national restaurant chain.  She was excited for and proud of our major life change.  She was also very thoughtful and realized we were having to cut back to do it, so she wanted to treat us to a night out.  We really enjoyed that a lot! 

Yet another friend recently gifted me a Starbuck's card--just as I had pretty much squeezed the last few cents out of the first one. 

And perhaps the most amazing instance of all this was a total stranger who came up to me and my kids at a grocery store.  He explained that someone had given him a gift card for a national restaurant chain but it was not his cup of tea.  He asked if I'd like to have the card.  Initially, I thought this a strange question, but he was an elderly man and didn't seem dangerous.  :)  It was a restaurant we'd frankly never been to, and our whole family had a terrific time.

Oh, and did I mention that we won a $25 gift card at our local grocery store?!  We never win anything.  We haven't used it yet, but have plans to treat ourselves to a fancy home cooked meal with it.  We're going to splurge on some ingredients we don't normally buy.

These serendipitous gifts to eat out (or eat in as in the last example) were such luxurious treats.  In our year of fasting from restaurants, we really appreciated them.  There is nothing like fasting from something to make you appreciate it more!

And as a person of faith, I see the hand of God in all this.  We never got restaurant gift cards in the past, this was unique and special.  And it came at a time when we most appreciated these treats.  Very special.

Simply Sunday #14

Hi!  I hope you are having a FABULOUS Sunday.

Here is something I have done this week to simplify my life...

I cleaned out some kitchen cabinets! 

My husband had been using multiple shelves as a storage place for leftover party paraphernalia.  Plates, plastic utensils, paper napkins, birthday candles, etc.  Most emblazoned with Disney Princesses or Spiderman.  It was such a jumbled mess no one ever went near it. 

When you begin to embrace voluntary simplicity, you have to avoid the urge to hoard.  My husband and I are frugal and we hate to throw things out that may have use.  We don't want to waste money or consume more landfill space.  So we often hang on to things to use them up when others might throw them out.

That is not a bad habit.  It is in keeping with the concept of voluntary simplicity to use all resources wisely.  But you do not use them wisely if they are kept in a disorganized mess that everyone avoids!  Some semblance of organization is important to make sure you are storing for later use and not just occupying more space needlessly.

So I took some time this week to take down all the stuff my husband had kept on these shelves.  I went through it all, took out stuff that didn't really belong, and reorganized the stuff that was there.  I got the stuff down to just one shelf.  And now it is organized and ready for use. 

In fact, my husband is taking our girls on a father-kid camping trip through our church in about a month.  This stuff is going to be put to good use then.  He'll need a table cloth, napkins, plates and utensils.  It will make his life easier on the trip to use disposable stuff, and we already have these items on hand.  That is what I call a win-win.

Keeping Up With the Joneses

A couple years ago at my church, our pastor had a woman in our congregation give a talk about her family's struggles to get their finances under control.  At the time, our community had been hard hit by the Great Recession.  Many were out of work.  So many had lost or were going to lose their homes.  Times were rough.  Our congregation offers Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, a course on money management.  The talk was intended to encourage others to take the course to get on better footing financially.

I remember when the woman was giving her talk, she shared that her family had spent more than they needed to on a fancy home, nice cars and nice clothes.  The pastor interrupted and asked her why they had spent more than they should have on such things.  Without any need to reflect, the woman said it was a case of "keeping up with the Joneses."  In other words, they had felt social pressure to spend money on things to appear affluent and comfortable. 

I was stunned by this response.  This woman and her family seemed so self-assured.  They were people of great faith.  I was shocked that such people would care what the Joneses--or anyone else thought about them.

But I've thought about it over the years, and am no longer shocked.  It is human nature for us to care what others think about us.  In our culture, we don't like people to think we are poor, suffering economically or not able to afford whatever we want.  We don't want to be pitied.  And we want to fit in. 

Particularly here in the 'burbs, we often have a distorted sense of others' finances.  We often think that others are doing better than they are.  They have nice things, go nice places.  So we figure they must be doing well financially. 

But if the Great Recession has taught my husband and me anything, it was to not believe the facades we were shown.  To recognize facades are not an accurate representation of reality.  When the economy tanked, we were shocked that people had misrepresented being laid off.  We were shocked at all the people in our social circle who lost their homes.  At one point, it seemed like almost everyone we knew was impacted by the economic collapse. 

I like to think that I am mature and secure enough that I don't care what others think about me and my family.  Maybe I don't obsess about it, but I am not immune to it.  And in the 'burbs where everyone is putting up facades and trying to show they are living the good life, it can be awkward and even embarrassing when you choose to live a different way and not spend like everyone else.  And I think that type of awkwardness and embarrassment is why many keep on spending instead of choosing a different lifestyle that might enable them to live a more fulfilling life.

For this reason, I'm starting a new series called "Keeping Up With the Joneses."  The point of posts in this series will be for me to share concrete examples of situations where my family and I have felt social pressures to spend money, and to describe how we have (or have not) overcome such social pressures.  I hope it will be an encouragement.  In our culture, we don't discuss financial problems openly, so it comes as a shock with others admit financial limitations.  This series will be somewhat unique for that reason.

Opportunity Costs

When I was going to apply to law school, I took a couple courses in Economics at a local community college.  I had never taken any as an undergrad, but I read somewhere that everyone who goes to law school should know something about economics.  I found it fascinating and wished in retrospect I'd taken Economics earlier, I even wished I had majored in it. 

One concept I learned in my basic Economics coursework was "opportunity cost."  It is defined differently in different settings but expresses the idea of the value of alternative choices in a given situation.  For example, if I choose to write for this blog, then I forgo spending time with my family, reading a good book, and giving my dogs a bath.  At this period in time, I've valued expressing myself in this blog over those other options.  The opportunity costs of posting to this blog are time with family, reading a book and bathing my dogs.  I've sacrificed those things to write on this blog today.

Life is full of opportunity costs.  We are constantly making decisions of how to use our time and other resources.  But we don't usually stop to consider that is what we are doing.  Typically, we are so caught up in the hectic-ness of life to realize what we are sacrificing when.  And many times we have no real option but to keep on doing what we are doing.  We have responsibilities--financial and otherwise--that restrict our options.

But sometimes we do have choices that we may not realize.  It can be hard to realize those choices because it would require thinking outside the box and making choices that others in our social circle don't make.  We humans are used to thinking in more traditional ways.  We are creatures of habit.  And it is very hard to go against the herd.  It takes vision and courage.

One reason I started this blog was to help others realize that they had choices and it might be possible to live a more fulfilling life.  Like most folks, I assumed that I'd spend the bulk of my life working frantically at a job until I was in my 60s.  But then I happened upon books about voluntary simplicity and in particular the book Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vikki Robin.  I began to see a different way of living that was more sustainable and more fulfilling.  I'd love for others to have similar epiphanies.

Right now I know people who are not living their best life because they are caught up in the materialism of modern American life.  They are trying to keep up with the Joneses.  They think they cannot live without certain "necessities."  They think they'd have to win the lotto to live their lives doing things they enjoy.  But that may not be the case.

I know women who would love to be stay-at-home moms instead of being away from their kids all day at a job they don't really care about. 

I know people who would like to adopt and provide a child in need a forever home.

I know people who would like to do mission work or work in the nonprofit sector.

I know people who don't mind working, but feel they are betraying their values by working in lucrative industries where the product or services may not provide social value or may create social harm.

I know people in these situations who feel stuck.  They'd rather do something else with their time and other resources, but feel like there is no other choice.  These are middle class professional people.  And to the extent that they want to continue their current spending and standard of living, they are right.  They are stuck in their current jobs--unless they are willing to make changes.

If eating out frequently or grabbing a latte on the way to work is the priority, they are stuck.

If annual vacations to luxury resorts is the priority, they are stuck.

If driving a gas guzzling vehicle is the priority, they are stuck.

If getting professional manicures or pedicures is the priority, they are stuck.

If having a smart phone for everyone in the family is the priority, they are stuck.

If buying fashionable clothes and accessories regularly is the priority, they are stuck.

If having cable TV is the priority, they are stuck.

If sending one's kid to drama camp or classes to earn a black belt are the priority, they are stuck.

If having seen all the Oscar nominated films prior to Oscar night is the priority, they are stuck.

If eating lots of meat and/or all organic produce is the priority, they are stuck.

If filling your home with junk and needing a larger home to store all the junk are priorities, they are stuck.

But note that eating out, grabbing a latte, vacations, gas guzzling vehicles, mani/pedis, smart phones, fashions, first-run movies, and a home filled with junk--these are costs you are choosing to pay if you'd rather do something else with your life.  Following your passion may be the opportunity cost to spending your money on such luxuries and needing to keep working to pay for such luxuries.

At least out here in the 'burbs, the things I listed above tend to be considered necessities by many.  They cannot conceive of a life without such things.  But if you haven't before, I encourage you to try to imagine life without them.  Ask yourself if these things are truly necessities or if you might live without them.  You may be surprised by the answer you come to.

Pursuing One's Passion

I'm at this unique and privileged point in my life.  Due to good career opportunities, our family's frugality and my husband's gainful employment, I'm in a position that I don't have to work for a paycheck.  I'm staying home with my kids and pursuing projects that are meaningful to me. 

I'm well into my 40s, and there is so much I want to do with whatever time I have left.  I wish I had several lives to live! 

I'm sure if we all reflected on it, we'd all have things we'd love to do if earning a living were not the primary focus of our time.  Everyone would have a different list, but to give you just a sense, here (in no particular order) is a non-exhaustive list of things I'd love to do now that I'm no longer having to work for a paycheck:

• work as a missionary abroad or in an underserved community in our own nation
• develop an LGBT ministry within my church community
• become a foster parent
• adopt more children
• hike El Camino pilgrimage in Northern Spain with my husband and/or my kids
• backpack around Iceland, Ireland and Great Britain
• cultivate an abundant vegetable garden to share with people in my community who are food insecure
• get my Ph.D. in gender studies
• become a realtor serving in underserved neighborhoods to help revitalize communities and empower families to become homeowners
• host an exchange student
• start a nonprofit business to provide jobs for marginalized people
• minister to people in prison
• do pro bono work with people in custody for immigration law violations
• participate in more protests
• write a novel

So, this may not look anything like your list.  My passions are not yours.  I only share this list with you to give you a sense of the kind of dreams I have, and to encourage you to have dreams of your own.

But I personally have found it hard to mix pursuing my passion with earning a paycheck.  I went into teaching originally with great idealism, but my own self interest caused me to view it differently than I would have otherwise.  I had to please my principal and vice-principal to avoid getting fired, so I had to tow the party line and not rock the boat.  I had to play politics instead of focusing on helping like I wanted to.  Eventually I became disillusioned with the whole thing and left for law school. 

Something similar happened when I became a lawyer.  And I've seen the same thing happen to others.  People initially go into a profession with the thoughts of helping people, but they get caught up in workplace politics and preservation of their own economic interests such that doing good becomes secondary, if not tertiary or worse.

But I've noticed something different happens when you are doing nonpaid work.  During my hiatus, I've been doing some volunteer work through my church.  I've worked hard, enjoyed it and feel I've made important contributions.  But I'm completely liberated from the worries of pleasing those in charge.  If they don't like everything I do, I frankly don't care.  They cannot fire me.  They cannot give me a bad performance review.  They have no economic carrot to dangle, no economic stick to threaten.  How incredibly liberating!!  I can just focus on helping and doing good.  How wonderful.

Note, however, that I didn't get to this point by winning the lottery.  More on that later.  But for right now, I just want to make the point that in order to pursue your passion, you may need to simplify.  If you want to spend more time on your passions--whether that is doing good in the world, pursuing creative endeavors or spending more time cultivating relationships with loved ones--then it is unlikely in my opinion that you can expect to be well-compensated for those activities.  You may need to live a simpler life in order to pursue your passion.  That may seem daunting to many.  But I don't think it is out of reach.  And one of the main reasons I'm writing this blog is to encourage you to make it happen.

Hiatus

So, I've had quite a gap in posting.  That is fine.  Life has been hectic.  And of all things, I thought it would be hypocritical to push things even more by forcing myself to post during this busy season of life.  But I'm back.

During my break, I've had time to think and reflect more on why voluntary simplicity is important.  And more than that, why it is important to those of us living in the 'burbs.  I'll be writing more about that in coming posts.

Christmas in the 'Burbs

I've thought about posting to this blog the last couple weeks.  But I thought it would be hypocritical.  As life was already in need of simplifying this time of year, making an extra effort to get time at the computer to write would have made things even less simple.  So please excuse my absence.

As a person of faith, I love Christmas.  It is a time of great joy.  And even if you are not a person of faith, it is a wonderful time to make time for merry-making with those you love.  Or at least it should be.

Ugh.  If there is a time most challenging to someone trying to live a simpler life in the suburbs, it is Christmas.  Everyone is giving everyone else presents we don't need.  But it is custom and expected.  People wouldn't think to do something different.  It is just an expected part of life.  Even our pastor got into it one year, publicly noting to the congregation that Starbuck's gift cards would be particularly appreciated.

To the extent that I feel our family cannot get around gift giving sometimes, I try to have us give baked goods that we make.  My thought is that if someone eats it, it at least won't end up in the landfill.  But making time for baking can be a challenge when so much is going on this time of year.

And at this time of year, everyone's having parties, most of which require a gift of some kind.  This is particularly true for the kids' parties.  Even though our family gives very few gifts amongst us--mostly just small things for the kids--we end up spending more than normal due to the parties.  I don't want to be a wet blanket and deny our kids going to these parties.  So, I just wonder at how much everyone is spending.  And I worry how much debt they are taking on.  I'm sure others in our social circle think we're either stingy and/or impoverished to not be giving so many gifts.  We're definitely weird by comparison.

I'm used to all that.  It is irksome, but I suppose it is tolerable.  But there was an added dimension this year.  This was the first Christmas I was on social media.  Wow, how depressing and sad. 

We had a particularly full house at Christmas this year.  At some point on Christmas day, I stole away a sanity break and looked at Facebook.  Typically I enjoy seeing my friends' cute posts of their children (human, feline or canine) and memes about various spiritual or social justice topics.  But on Christmas I was surprised at what I saw.  It was not even midday when I checked Facebook, but already there was a steady stream of images involving gifts.  Most were pictures of kids and/or kid gifts.  Kids with prized toys.  Kids with a bunch of used wrapping paper.  Kids next to piles of gifts, some wrapped, some not.  Clearly, the gifts were the focus of the day.  Again, as a person of faith, that was a shock.  That is not what Christmas is all about.

Let me say that I was not raised in a religiously observant household.  In fact, the family in which I was raised used to do the same thing.  But what struck me was that most of the posts were from families who were church-goers.  But at the end of How The Grinch Stole Christmas, even the title character could tell you that presents are not the real meaning of Christmas.  We all love that story, but I don't think we really believe its message.

My husband and I have mindfully taken a different approach at our home.  We preemptively arrange to not do a lot of presents.  And the ones we do have, we don't open until later in the day.  We focus on other fun things.  We make yummy meals together and we play games.  To direct our attention to the reason for the day, I begin the day by leading the kids in a Bible Study of the nativity story in the New Testament.  We end the day with a walk around the neighborhood to enjoy the Christmas lights.  And we watch a Christmas movie.  Second year in a row, we watched White Christmas this year. 

Those are the things that are the most fun: spending time together.  I look back at my childhood Christmases.  No matter how we spread it out.  No matter how big the pile of presents under the tree.  Once the unwrapping was over on Christmas morning, there was a let-down feeling.  So that is it?  Even when I got stuff I liked.  It was sad, we spent the rest of the day doing our own thing and not doing anything together.  We just played with our respective toys.  It was so empty.  At this point in my life, I could probably only list on one hand the number of presents I even remember getting.  Stuff like that doesn't make lasting memories.  But I believe that the fun stuff our family does together does make lasting memories.  That is what counts.

But you do feel alone when you realize what your neighbors are all doing.  It is not easy to go against the tide and do something different from those around you.  It is well worth it though.

Simply Sunday #13

Happy Sunday!  I hope you are having a terrific one.

Here is a brief list of how I incorporated voluntary simplicity into my life this week:

(1) Exercise.  Voluntary simplicity involves focusing on people (not things).  Too often we get so busy we neglect our health.  That was a real struggle for me when I was still in the rat race.  I've never been skinny, but early in my career I began to pack on pounds due to my insane hours at my desk.  That continued for a number of years until I became a mom and I wanted to be healthier for my kids.  I've been a fairly healthy eater throughout my adult years, but lack of exercise had been my pitfall.  So, as a young mom, I joined the Y near my office and faithfully went to workout every work day at lunch time.  Over time, I lost over 30 pounds.  And I kept it off for several years.  I also aspired to lose a bit more but was not able to.  To do so, I really needed to up my exercise, but I just didn't have enough time for that.  I barely had time for what I was doing.  But then things changed, my professional demands intensified greatly.  My ever more demanding work life meant I had little control over what I ate at times, and eventually I had to give up my dedicated exercise schedule.  Despite having kept the weight off for several years, once my work demands forced me to give up regular exercise, it all came back--and surprisingly fast.  How depressing!  I realized that the only way to change the situation was to exercise regularly again, and I vowed that when I stepped down from my paid gig and had more control over my schedule, I would get back into the swing of it.  That worked well initially this fall, but then we went on several family trips and Thanksgiving arrived.  Basically, my schedule got crazy and my exercise schedule fell by the wayside.  Earlier in the fall, I had re-lost some weight, but things stalled as my exercise waned.  This week, however, I've renewed my resolve.  I'm proud to report that I did not miss one day of exercise.  There are so many benefits to exercise.  It is not just about weight loss or weight control.  When I exercise regularly, I am a happier person on so many levels.  It really is not to be missed.  So, I share this in the hopes that it will encourage anyone who struggles in this area.  Particularly moms of young children, we find it difficult to find time to take care of our health.  But I think the flight attendant advice is apt in many aspects of life--we need to put our own oxygen mask on before we attempt to put on the masks of our children.  If we expire before we get anyone else's mask on, we're not helping anyone.  It is not noble to sacrifice oneself in that manner.  Taking care of ourselves means we're more likely to be here and be in a position to help others.

(2) Meditation.  This week was the second time I made it to my church's weekly meditation session.  This time, it was a "drumming meditation," which was something new for me.  Frankly, this was not my cup of tea.  All the pounding of the drums gave me a headache and stressed me out a bit.  But it was great to try something new.  The drums were pretty.  And the second half of the session involved just a regular meditation, which was nice.  It's always important to try new things.  Even if it was not my favorite type of meditation, I learned a lot and was inspired by the people who attended.

(3) Advent.  As a Christ-follower, I'm preparing for the celebration of Christmas.  That celebration means different things to different people.  After all, many non-religious people celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday.  To me, at this point in my faith journey, I think Christmas means reflecting on what it means to have Jesus in my life.  Carrie Underwood bravely took on the iconic role of "Maria" in a live TV version of The Sound of Music recently.  I don't follow her on social media, but I've heard that she responded to the barrage of vicious criticism of her performance by simply stating that there are a lot of people who need Jesus in their lives and she will be praying for them.  I've been thinking about that response.  To me, what she is saying rings true--a lot of people are worn down by the negativity of the world, the lack of hope, and the absence of love in their lives.  They don't know any better than to attack others.  To me, having Jesus in your heart means understanding that there is a better way to live--to have hope and love in your heart.  If we keep Jesus in our hearts, then we will radiate his hope and love to others who need that encouragement and peace.  This week, I've tried to be mindful of this.  I've tried to reach out to others to encourage them in various ways.  And I've thanked those who have done the same for me.  Christmas is a time of light in the darkness of winter.  I believe we're called to be light to one another.

Cheers!  And have a lovely Sunday.  If you celebrate Christmas in a religious sense, I also wish you a meaningful Advent!

Transitions

In the last post I shared a link by a woman who homesteads.  She was sharing advice that she wished someone had shared with her before she began homesteading.  In life, having insight from those who've traveled the road ahead of us is so incredibly helpful.  I keep thinking about this woman's post.  I hope you are too.  And I think there are a couple broader lessons to be learned here.

First, seek out and be open to advice from others.  Knowing what they've learned in their journey will help you avoid some of the same pitfalls.

Second, be open to lessons learned even from people whose life experiences are very different from yours.  I'm a suburban mom whose having trouble keeping alive the herbs in my kitchen window.  I am not now--and probably will never be--a homesteader.  My family and I would starve! 

But at heart what this woman is writing about is transitions.  What she writes about transitioning from an urban to a rural setting to homestead is actually very applicable to my life.  I've been transitioning from a life in the rat race to focusing on my family.  Like her grandiose expectations and goals when she began homesteading, I also dreamed big and had high hopes for my home and homeschooling.  And like her experience homesteading, not all my dreams and hopes have materialized in the 4 months or so that I've been home.

Nonetheless, her advice that it doesn't have to happen overnight is helpful.  I'm already beginning to see that some of my plans are more long term and have a longer germination period than I'd assumed.  Being gentle on myself about that reality is important.  And taking time to take stock and revel in the successes is important.  Even though I haven't met all my goals for my home or my homeschooling, there has been a lot of progress already.  And we're not done yet.

Simply Sunday #12

Happy Sunday!

I've got just a short list this week.  More is not always more. 

(1) Simple Date Night.  Our kids had a sleepover this weekend, so my husband and I had a date night.  We had had plans to go to a particular restaurant we'd wanted to try.  But when we dropped our kids off, we visited for a long time with the hosting parents and started our date late.  The restaurant was fairly far away.  It is family owned, and we've been unsuccessful in the past because they aren't open as many hours and don't keep as predictable a schedule as an Olive Garden or Taco Bell.  At that point in the evening, we weren't sure if we could get there before they'd close.  So we went with the flow and just got a burger on the way home from the sleepover home.  It was delicious!  We don't eat a lot of meat, rarely eat beef or fried foods. So it was a real treat.  Not fancy or anything.  But yummy.

(2) Wisdom.  I have always loved learning from life experiences--mine and those of other folks.  Now that I'm in my 40s, I feel like I've learned so much.  Though there is still so much more to learn, I'm so much wiser than I was earlier in my journey.  I enjoy sharing the insights I've learned with folks who are receptive.  And I love to hear the insights of folks who've lived a different lifestyle or who've lived a similar one but began their journey earlier than me.  Along those lines, this morning, I came across a blog post that I found very helpful: http://gnowfglins.com/2013/10/14/rural-homesteading-four-things-i-wish-i-had-known.  It is by a woman who is a former missionary turned rural homesteader.  I am very drawn to both the lives of missionaries and homesteaders, though my husband rightfully laughs a bit at both interests because I'm not very hearty and I'm terribly squeamish about critters.  At this point in my life, I'd never be able to live without certain modern urban comforts.  Nonetheless, this particular homesteading blog post was really insightful to me.  Though the writer lives such a different lifestyle from me, her words of wisdom are actually pretty transferrable to other ways of life.  Much of what she advised are things I needed to hear about my life in the 'burbs as I maintain a home and educate my kids.  We all get socialized to constant busyness and beat ourselves up if we aren't achieving everything on our to-do list.  That is not healthy.  That is not helpful.  So, even if you aren't a homesteader, take a read of this blog post.  It may speak to you even if you don't know a thing about growing your own food!

Make it a great day!

The Holiday Season

We are now in what is probably the most challenging time of year for those who crave or try to adhere to a simpler, less hectic, less consumerist way of life.  At this time of year in particular, the dominant culture whips everyone up into a frenzy of materialism and overspending.

This makes my husband and I sad.  For a number of reasons.  People are chasing things that in the end won't make them happy for more than a brief period at most.  Meanwhile, they are doing destructive things like spending more than they should, incurring debt and foregoing spending on things with longer lasting value (e.g., retirement accounts, kids' college savings account).  And to us, as people of faith, it is particularly upsetting that all this is done in the name of Jesus.  The Prince of Peace was born in an animal stable as a peasant.  It makes no sense to us to remember his birth by spoiling our children and exceeding our credit card limits.

So, I have a couple of thoughts to share that I hope might be particularly apropos and helpful this time of year.

For those who are Christ followers, I encourage you to re-focus on why we celebrate the Feast of St. Nicholas, Christmas and Epiphany.  The Advent Conspiracy movement is working hard to help us do that.  Their website is: http://www.adventconspiracy.org/.  It helps us to avoid the secular trappings of the season to celebrate in a manner that is more in line with our faith. 

Another resource you might consider is the 2007 film What Would Jesus Buy?  It was produced by Morgan Spurlock, a West Virginia filmmaker who came to prominence with the documentary Super Size Me.  What Would Jesus Buy? is an odd film.  It follows a band of (what I take to be) performance artists who assume the persona of a flamboyant preacher and his choir who travel the country in the days before Christmas preaching the gospel of the anti-materialism as the "Church of Stop Shopping."  At times, What Would Jesus Buy? was someone offensive to me because they caricature my religion (or at least aspects of it) and seem to denigrate the sacred (like baptism).  But I always try to keep an open mind and there were definitely parts of the film that were very engaging, and thought-provoking.  I particularly found insightful the people interviewed about their attitudes towards Christmas.  It made me very sad to hear so many express that the holiday was only about buying a lot of stuff.  That alone I find spiritually vacuous, but what I found even more tragic was the attitudes of parents who expressed that they needed to move heaven and earth, do whatever was necessary to give their kids lots of stuff to open on Christmas Day.  I don't even know how to express my profound sadness over such cultural perversion over a beautiful holiday with a very different meaning at its core. 

In my opinion, the Advent Conspiracy and questioning our perversion of Christmas is much more fruitful that the effort by Focus on the Family and others to get retailers to use the phrase "Merry Christmas" instead of the more inclusive "Happy Holidays."  I hold the birth of my Savior as sacred, and find it patently offensive when retailers exploit it to make money.  As a Christian, I much prefer the broader term "holidays" to the more explicit exploitation of the birth of Jesus.

Here is something else.  To some of you, this will seem really radical, but my husband and I have also never indoctrinated our children into the modern Santa Claus myth.  We believe in being honest and don't want to ever give them reason to not trust us.  We also don't want them to believe in magical fairies who dump lots of toys on well-behaved kids from affluent families but somehow don't stop at the homes of well-behaved kids from families with less income.  And as people of faith, we don't want a mythical elf to compete in any way with Jesus Christ. 

If you think this is an extreme approach to the Santa myth, I encourage you watch a wonderful, insightful documentary from A&E's Biography series on Santa Claus.  It was first aired in 2005.  The episode traces the roots of the Santa myth as a tool for modern retailers to the modern Hollywood deification of the character.  As you watch the episode, you will begin to realize the term "deification" is not an exaggeration.  One aspect of the episode that particularly got my attention was when one Hollywood interviewee described the modern concept of Santa Claus as like God for grown ups.  Wow. 

Even if you are not a Christian or if you are not a person of any faith, this time of year is still hectic and stressful.  There are social customs in our country that make it quite a challenge to avoid over-spending.  For years when we were younger, my husband and I felt the need to buy presents for so many people in our lives.  As if there was some shame in not giving someone junk they didn't need and probably didn't want. 

For years, I also didn't question all the stuff I was gifted.  That was part of life.  But after a while, I began to realize what a burden it was.  I felt obligated to make room for stuff, even if I didn't like it.  Someone had given it to me, it would be ungrateful to throw it out or give it away.  My home became cluttered with stuff like that.  I began to think of all the money we spend giving each other such gifts.  And all the time we waste trying to figure out what to do with it when we receive it and the emotional energy we use feeling guilty that we really want to throw it out. 

So, now our family gives few presents.  We give presents to our kids--more on that in a minute.  But few to adults or anyone outside our family.  We agree with the notion of showing appreciation for all the nice folks who make our lives better throughout the year, but now we only give gifts that can be consumed.  We enjoy baking once a year and we share that bounty with people whom we appreciate and want to thank.  They can eat it or share it with someone else, but it is not going to take room on their shelves gathering dust until they get the gumption to throw it out.  And if I say so myself, our baking is pretty good, so it is a treat to receive our cookies and muffins.

It is difficult for all of us this time of year, but it is particularly difficult for parents, in large part to the cultural perpetuation of the Santa myth and the efforts of retailers.  Even though we homeschool and don't watch much TV, even our kids are not immune from the frenzy of Christmas and the cultural expectation that the holiday is for receiving gifts.  So as a parent, it is a tough situation to deal with.  We do our best. 

We try to talk to our kids throughout the season to remind them why we celebrate Christmas, to remind them that Santa Claus is a myth invented by retailers to sell more stuff, and to just enjoy each other's company.  We give some gifts to the kids, but we try to not give many.  We don't want that to be the main focus of the day.  We try to do gifts at other times so as to not confuse our children about why we celebrate Christmas.  Instead, we have a birthday party for Jesus.  We cook together to have a special meal or two.  We also make a special cake, which our kids like to decorate.  We put a ton of candles on it because Jesus was born about 2000 years ago.  We sing "Happy Birthday" to him and enjoy his cake.  We play games.  We take a walk at night to see the Christmas lights in the neighborhood.  We drink hot cocoa to warm us up.  We watch a fun Christmas movie at the end of the celebrations.  It is an absolutely fun day.  We don't just open a lot of presents, then spend the day apart with those presents.  We spend the day together, which is a lot more meaningful.

One last thought I want to share with you about the season's frenzy of gift giving.  Even if you aren't swayed by the harm done to our wallets or the perversion of a sacred religious holiday or the space/time/effort wasted on buying things people don't want, there is another reason why buying a lot of presents may not be the way to go. 

In our modern culture, we've demanded access to a plethora of cheap consumer goods.  These types of goods make up the bulk of holiday gift-giving.  What we in the West don't often stop to consider is the high cost of making these cheap goods available for easy purchase.  We may see the "made in China" or "made in Bangladesh" mark on the goods, but in our hectic lives, we may give that no thought.  We should. 

Workers in developing nations are leading lives of misery to make those goods for our markets.  Some are so miserable in their dehumanizing work environments that they take their own lives: http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/06/01/china.foxconn.inside.factory/. 

Many are forced to work poverty wages in unsafe conditions.  Some are modern day slaves, but others nominally agree to such conditions due to desperation in economies with few other options.  Many are children.

I encourage you--with some trepidation--to look at the link below.  It contains a heart-wrenching photo and article about the collapse in April of this year of a factory in Bangladesh.  1129 human beings died in that tragedy, and 2515 other human beings were injured.  Some of us heard of the tragedy, but may have paid it little mind because of our busy lives and our feeling that we are powerless to help.  Others may be unfamiliar with the story.  Either way, I encourage you to consider the article and the photo.  I encourage you to consider the human toll of the low prices for consumer goods we demand in our culture.  The electronics, the clothes, the toys.  Beyond what the frenzy does to our own finances and our souls, what about the people who produce these goods at the exploitively low prices we demand?

http://iacknowledge.net/the-most-powerful-image-youll-see-today/

Post-Thanksgiving Thoughts

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Mine was terrific.  Probably one of the best I've ever had.  I've reflected on why it was so good and I've come up with a couple reasons.  Perhaps these points might be helpful to others gearing up for Christmas celebrations in a couple weeks.

(1) Limited Guest List.  I take an inclusive view when it comes to celebrating.  The more the merrier.  I'd hate for anyone to not have someone to celebrate with.  Gather everyone under one tent.  No problem.  Well, I still take an inclusive view, but thank goodness we ended up with just our immediate family plus two guests this year.  When we've had multiple families sharing a holiday with us, just coordinating arrivals and departures to figure out meal times was a challenge.  But with just the six of us, we enjoyed our guests without feeling overwhelmed at extreme entertaining.

(2) Scaled Back Menu.  In the past, I felt obliged to have a ton of traditional dishes that cover the table such that my family and guests barely fit.  It was chaotic trying to figure out how to cook everything in a single oven while the turkey took up all the space.  I had to cook some things in advance then rewarm them at the last minute.  Or cook things once the turkey was done and hope it didn't cool too much while we waited.  I only made four dishes for this Thanksgiving.  Very manageable.  One I made completely in advance.  And parts of another dish were cooked the day before, just had to be assembled the day of the feast.

(3) Scaled Back Entrée.  One of my kids spilled the beans a couple years back that she and her father confessed to one another they didn't like turkey but didn't want to tell the rest of the family to avoid ruining our Thanksgiving.  I was very annoyed.  First, I don't believe in family secrets, even on mundane points.  Second, I hate turkey too and kept making it for them!  So, now the secret is out, we are liberated from having a traditional entrée that none of us wants.  And frankly we don't eat a lot of meat.  Part of our voluntary simplicity ethos!  So we didn't just want to replace a big bird with another big hunk of meat.  Instead, I decided to make enchiladas for the entrée, which we love and don't have very often.  Yum-o!  A real treat and so much easier, quicker to make.  I didn't wake up early, but the big meal was ready way before noon.  And to keep things semi-traditional, the other three dishes I made were pretty traditional so it felt like Thanksgiving and not just a nice dinner party.

(4) Potluck.  I am no Martha Stewart, so I learned long ago to ask for help when entertaining.  But if the guest list is unwieldy, even potluck becomes a logistical nightmare.  One Christmas, I had a house full of hungry guests who had all brought side dishes, but the relative who was bringing the entrée ran late--very late.  Some relatives had to start leaving before we had a complete meal to serve!  But with two guests only, it was very manageable.  I asked one to bring something for us to munch on while we were waiting for the meal, along with a salad.  She bought several types of olives, which we put in a fancy dish.  And she brought a salad kit that was fine.  The other person brought dessert.  He had made a trifle in advance, just had to assemble it when the time was right.  My kids got to help, which they thoroughly enjoyed.

What a fun day!  I didn't spend all day cooking.  We had time to enjoy each other's company. We played board games and talked.  And we had a real feast, but with a limited number of dishes, it wasn't overwhelming.  We could take time to enjoy each dish.  In the past, we've had so many dishes, you can't eat them all or if you do, you get just a taste because there is too much.

Happy holidays!

Thanksgiving

OK, we're within 48 hours of the big day. 

Thanksgiving is a fabulous holiday.  The point is to give thanks to one's deity for the blessings in our lives.  And it is a secular holiday, so even if you believe in no deity, you can still take time out to be mindful of your good fortune.  Modern medicine has proven that such mindfulness contributes to a range of physical and mental health benefits.

Beyond giving thanks for blessings, a secondary point to Thanksgiving is to gather together with others.  We spend time with family and/or friends.  It is considered less than ideal to spend the holiday alone.  In my adult life, when I've known folks who would be alone on the holiday, I always invite them to join my family.  They are always glad to get the invite.  It would be depressing to spend Thanksgiving by oneself.

Note that both giving thanks (or mindfulness) and spending times with loved ones are quintessentially part of the ethos of voluntary simplicity.  So in some ways, for those who embrace a simpler life, Thanksgiving is our most important holiday.  What could be better than gathering together with people you love (or hopefully at least like) to eat some yummy food and spend some quality time.

But in my lifetime, I've seen Thanksgiving become less and less recognizable. 

First, it degenerated to a day when people sit in front of the TV watching football all day, maybe while munching on a turkey drumstick.  Despite being native Texans, our family watches only one football game a year--typically the Super Bowl.  And frankly even then, we're only in it for the nachos. To me, if you are staring at a TV screen all day and screaming for some gladiator to mercilessly tackle another, you have overlooked the point of Thanksgiving.

And there have always been issues about going overboard with the feast. Some women (and occasionally men) who are responsible for preparing the feast for their families feel tremendous stress to provide a dining experience that Martha Stewart with her team of staff could produce. I know women who get up in the middle of the night and are virtually slaves of their own kitchen on Thanksgiving while everyone else is elsewhere having fun.  They fret for weeks over concocting the right menu.  Then they don't get to enjoy the day because they are trying to produce a dizzying array of dishes in a finite timeframe.  They are worried about being judged or not adequately impressing their guests.  Again, that misses the point of Thanksgiving.

But by far, the worst perversion of Thanksgiving has come in recent years with the encroachment of the commercial exploitation of Christmas.  I am a Christian of over a quarter century, so I can tell you with some authority that no where in either the Hebrew Scripture or the New Testament is there even a suggestion that one must stand in line to buy a Play Station or plasma screen TV in order to properly celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace.

It always made me sad that after the simple calm and gratitude of Thanksgiving, people would head out the very next day to spend hours in stores.  It seemed like a cruel irony.  We spend time giving thanks, then we run around like maniacs trying to accumulate more and more because apparently what we just gave thanks for was insufficient.

However, things got worse over time.  At least initially Black Friday started at a normal time.  We could enjoy our Thanksgiving and recover a bit Thursday night and Friday morning.  But then retailers began to open their doors earlier and earlier Friday morning.  I began to know people who would plan their Thanksgiving around that.  They had to finish Thanksgiving at an earlier hour, so they could go to bed early to wake up early to get to the stores.  How perverse!

But then a few years ago, the unthinkable began to happen.  Some retailers began to open for a few hours on Thursday evening to get a jump start on Friday shopping.  I wasn't even aware of this until a friend of mine explained that she and a friend were combining their families' Thanksgiving celebration so they could finish early and hit the special Thursday sale while the husbands watched football.  This is a dear friend of mine.  Her plans just depressed me more than I can say.

Meanwhile, the deals have gotten more and more attractive--luring more and more customers in either on Thursday or at crazy early hours on Friday morning.  The term "door buster" was coined with sad irony because people desperate to get limited deals on waffle irons and computers trampled other human beings in the process. 

And that is after many camp for days, sometimes as much as a week, outside a store to get such deals.  Think about that.  Where does one go to the bathroom?  It is cold at night outside, even in the Sunbelt.  Forcibly, one has totally foregone any feigned attempt to celebrate Thanksgiving if one spent it in a tent outside a Best Buy.  Even if it is the biggest TV or snazziest iPad or gaming device, is it really worth days of your life when you might be doing other things?  What a deeply sad state of affairs.

On social media, I've seen people decry the deterioration of Thanksgiving in this way.  So I know I'm not the last person in America to feel this way, though it sometimes feels like it.  Many such persons vilify the retailers for offering such deals at such times.  There is some validity to that finger wagging.  But others rightfully point out that the retailers are simply meeting a demand.  It is the consuming public that is to blame for this state of affairs. 

Personally, I think there is some truth to both sides.  We see a similar situation in the disastrous war on drugs in this country.  We vilify the parasitic, often violent drug dealers.  They are to blame and if we just round them all up, the problem would go away.  Only it doesn't work that way because our nation has such a huge demand for narcotics that others rise up to fill that demand.  I would never defend drug dealers.  I think they are exploitive and greedy, doing unconscionable harm.  But it is too easy to just blame the dealers when the demand is apparently so great.  We need to look at our own contribution to the situation in creating the demand the dealers meet. 

Very similar dynamic with regard to retail sales at Thanksgiving.  I do hold responsible the stores that offer these crazy door busters at insane times.  But even if Walmart and Target refrained, other stores would spring up to fill the void because a lot of otherwise sane folks are willing to sacrifice Thanksgiving for cheap consumer goods.  Shame on us all.

But I invite you to be different, to take the path less traveled so to speak.  I encourage you to focus on the true meaning of Thanksgiving--to create a simple and enjoyable meal so you can spend the day just relaxing and enjoying the company of your friends and/or family. 

Moreover, I encourage you to not be a part of this modern cultural madness.  My husband and I are frugal and try to be good stewards of our finances.  We buy things when they are on sale whenever possible.  But I'm not even looking at any of the ads for this week and no one in our family is going shopping Thursday or Friday.

I know others take similar pledges.  On social media, I saw one young man dismiss all the handwringing about the perversion of Thanksgiving by pointing out that if we abstain from all the consumption, we are not impacted in the least by the madness of Black Friday spilling over onto Thanksgiving.  I was struck by what an insensitive, privileged statement this was.  Based on the context of this statement, I glean that this man was well-educated and had a good job that did not require him to work on Thanksgiving.  Not everyone has those advantages. 

I know several people who work at grocery stores who have to work all day on Thursday.  And it has nothing to do with door busters.  Their corporate bosses decided it was important to stay open for all the folks on Thursday who begin to make the mashed potatoes but run out of butter or who realize they didn't buy enough sparkling apple juice for everyone who will be at their table.  Don't forget the folks working this other end of retail sales at grocery stores.  If you pledge to abstain from shopping during Thanksgiving, make sure you don't breach that pledge by running to the Ralph's or Piggly Wiggly for last minute groceries.  Plan ahead, make sure you have what you need for all your recipes, and find work-arounds on Thursday if you don't.

In closing, I just encourage you to do your part to take back Thanksgiving from the retail madness and restore it to its original, beautiful purpose.  Take time to appreciate your life and the people in it.  Enjoy!

Simply Sunday #11

So this week, I don't think I did all that much to simplify my life.  But the point of voluntary simplicity is not simplifying for simplicity's sake.  It is to simplify so that you are spending your finite hours doing things that are worthy of your time, not wasting your life on pointless pursuits.  I have done several things that are in line with an attempt to get more out of life.  Here are a couple things I did (or didn't do) this week that are in line with this ethos:

(1) I'm appreciating my belongings.  I have been cleaning out my house slowly this fall.  Trying to get rid of things that I don't use or need.  I've given a lot to thrift stores.  And cleaning out helps me to see what I own.  I've realized some things I was holding on to are just broken and need to be thrown out.  And some things I'm rediscovering with gladness.  I recently realized my 17 year old tea kettle needed replacement.  I did that last week and I've been enjoying tea again.  I've even learned out to make chai latte, which is a fun way to start my day.  Several of the items in this list flow from this new found pleasure in tea drinking.

(2) I had some herb tea one afternoon.  I always start my day with some tea for the caffeine.  But that is all I have.  I'm too sensitive to caffeine to have more than that.  And I'm always running around, too busy to have tea without caffeine.  The other day, however, I made time to make myself a little pot of herb tea and enjoyed it throughout the afternoon.  What a lovely little luxury!

(3) I rearranged my teas.  So, I wasn't even drinking tea much, but I had quite a collection.  I've been slowing working my way through it this fall.  But particularly as I have been drinking more tea this week, I've found that the little containers I used to organize different types were chaotic.  So, I took a few minutes (while waiting for water to boil!) to organize my stash.  Now I can find non-caffeinated teas quickly if I get a moment to enjoy some.

(4) I have been focusing more on relationships.  I haven't gotten as much done in terms of de-cluttering our home this week, but that is ok.  I'm focusing more time on relationship.  I am blessed to have a lot of wonderful folks in my life, but that takes time to make time for us to spend together.  A good chunk of my free time this week went to that.  Our garage is still a disaster area, but still it was time well spent.

(5) I have also been focusing more on my dreams for the next phase of my life.  There are several different "projects" I want to embark on as I enter this new season of my life.  It is hard to get started and to figure out all the details.  But I'm not getting deterred.  I'm moving forward and making solid steps to make things happen.

(6) I've fed my spirit.  There are a couple things that fall into this category but one is that I went to a meditation class offered at my church this week.  They have been offering these every week for a long time.  They always sounded neat, but I couldn't ever find time to go.  When I was working, Sunday nights were a busy time when we were all trying to get ready for the week.  And this fall, I've been keeping a standing commitment with my mom to attend a concert series.  Now that is over, and I finally got a chance to attend the meditation class. 

As I prepared to go to the class, I was nervous.  Meditation is a little whoo-whoo in my book.  I'm a native Texan.  No offense to anyone, but culturally I get a little skeptical about things that are at all new agey.  And I'm a Type A personality with a never ending to-do list.  It is hard for me to sit for long periods and "do nothing." 

In college, I also had a bad experience at a Quaker quiet meeting.  Only five of us showed up.  Everyone was so sweet, but we almost immediately went into a 60 minute session of everyone sitting quietly in silent prayer in close quarters.  I spent the whole time desperately trying to not look at my girl friend whom I had convinced to go with me, I knew we'd burst into a fit of giggles if we made eye contact.  I was also struggling to not giggle even with my eyes closed.  And I was very worried my tummy would grumble because it was lunch time.  It was not exactly a spiritual experience as I prayed over and over: "Lord, help me not laugh or have a growling tummy!"

With that history, and some trepidation, I went to the meditation class at my church.  It was lovely.  And I did fine.  No urge to giggle.  I don't think I had any tummy noises, though I heard some around me.  That is fine.  And I was amazed at how long the class lasted.  I had told my family I'd be home in an hour.  The class lasted 1 1/2 hours!  But I thoroughly enjoyed myself and felt at peace.  I've also felt like I've had several important epiphanies and important moments of self-understanding this week.  Anyhow, I cannot go again this week, but I am going to make a tremendous effort to go again soon.

I hope you are having a lovely Sunday!

Back to the Backstory

OK, so I explained how I first came across the concept of voluntary simplicity by accident at a difficult time in my life.  I was running fast on the treadmill wondering if this was all that life had in store, hoping there might be more.  I was so moved by Mr. Shut's book.  And I sensed real truth in the words and ideas I found in its pages.  (Actually, Truth with a capital "t.")  The life I was living did not seem to match my core values as a Christ follower.  My life did not immediately change, but I did have a huge epiphany that scrambling to climb the corporate ladder was pointless and not what I wanted out of life.

But my life did not change over night for several reasons. 

First, a lot of folks wish they had the opportunity to be on that ladder.  I had worked very hard and had good luck.  Plenty of folks I went to law school with would have given much for access to the ladder.  And I was doing a better job climbing it than others on the ladder with me at that point.  Moreover, the nature of the job market in corporate America was such that if I stepped off the ladder, I would never get that opportunity again.  Once off the ladder, someone else takes your spot and you are deemed to not be qualified enough to climb any more.  I'm not a rash person, so I didn't just finish Mr. Shut's book, then walk into my boss's office and quit.

Plus by that time, my husband and I were parents, and we were anticipating the adoption of our second child very soon.  We also had a mortgage, car loans, as well as my student loans.  So, jumping off the treadmill immediately seemed implausible and irresponsible.  But something in my heart had changed.  I had become very aware of the futility of office politics and the emptiness of the suburban mini-mansions filled with stylish furnishings.

During that time of my life, when I thought about what did fill my life with meaning, what I wanted to fill it with instead of workplace pettiness and well-appointed homes, it was clear to me the answer was my family.  I had a husband I thought was pretty awesome, but we didn't get to spend enough time together.  We had an amazing toddler whom we never got to see except for brief period right before and after she went to bed.  For years, I'd heard that for working parents, "quality time" was key.  But I was finding that quality was rather pointless if the quantity was so scarce.  We had so little time with our daughter, we were about to have a second child in our family and we were scrambling to find time to do laundry or get some prepackaged food from the store.  My husband and I both had such demanding corporate jobs, we weren't living.  In retrospect, we were barely hanging on.

Finally, I had an even greater epiphany.  I was reading a number of books on voluntary simplicity at that point.  (More on those later!)  And I had realized that becoming a one income family would greatly simplify our lives and give us more time as a family.  My husband was on a business trip when I had this big epiphany, so I noodled on it a couple days before I got a chance to share it with him.  By then, I had thought it through more and realized that for a number of reasons, at least on paper, it made more sense for him to quit his job.  I made more money and he had been in his profession much longer than me, so he would more easily be able to get back into the work force later on in time.  He had been traveling in remote parts of Oklahoma visiting his company's oil fields when after several days he was somewhere where he got a bit of cell phone signal.  We only had a moment, so after he shared a bit about his trip, I blurted out my epiphany quickly.  He was outside on top of a windy hill, he asked, "You want me to do what?"  I repeated my brainstorm.  The phone went silent, I thought maybe he had lost signal.  I asked if he were still there.  His voice dropped deadpan and he simply said, "We're going to have to talk when I get home."

We did eventually talk about the idea at length.  Pretty quickly, he agreed about the logic of having one of us stay home, particularly after we adopted our second child.  It took more discussion, but soon he agreed that all signs seemed to point to him being the stay-at-home parent.  We were both so thrilled.  We made the decision with time to spare, so we had time to work at scaling back our spending, paying off some of our debt, and stocking away some savings.  By the time our second child came along, we were in good shape for him to leave his career.

So, we had several years when I was the sole breadwinner and we had more time as a family.  My husband took over all the household responsibilities, so when I was home, we could focus on being together and enjoying each other's company--not rushing to the dry cleaner's while trying to figure out we'd feed everyone for supper.  Those were good times.  But as I progressed in my career, I was constantly working to set barriers and eek out a personal life.  It was always a struggle.  And I had reason to fear that eventually I would lose in the battle to not have my career consume my life.  There were some sane, humane people in the managerial ranks at my company who had been somewhat supportive of my efforts at work-life balance.  But I could see the writing on the wall.  Those folks would be retiring before long and the men who were poised to take their place were single-minded and unsympathetic to anything but the bottom line. 

Due to this situation, I decided to make a huge career change and go into academia.  It is notoriously competitive to become a tenure-track professor, it is something people in my profession carefully plan and prepare for before going on the market.  However, on a last minute whim one year, I threw my hat in the ring and got very lucky.  It was scary.  Accepting the job meant giving up not only a very lucrative and stable career with my company, but my husband would be forever giving up on his career since we had to move to an entirely different part of the country where his resume would be less relevant.  But we took the plunge.  The lure of a much more flexible schedule and summers off at least in some respects was appealing.  I was also excited to do work that I thought I would find more meaningful.  I like mentoring young people, exploring ideas and writing.

Initially, my schedule was pretty good and life was great.  I've always enjoyed the people I worked with, but as an academic I particularly loved and respected my colleagues.  What a diverse, dedicated, talented group of folks.  But there were administrative issues.  We had three deans in my first three years.  All of that became more and more of a drain for the school's focus, and to my great disappointment the office politics became worse than anything I've ever experienced in any other workplace. 

Meanwhile, my children were getting older and I had felt like I had really missed out.  Their childhood had passed me by!  I'd always hoped and planned that we'd adopt again, but I blinked and found myself in my 40s.  It was dawning on me this was not something I could continue to push off into the nebulous future.  And in the midst of all this, my husband had gone back to school and had begun a new career in a helping profession.  The writing on the wall had become clear that now I needed to step off the career freeway for a while.

So that brings me up to the present day.  Homeschooling stay-at-home mom looking to possibly adopt again.  And finally having the time for life that I've craved for years.  Though even without a paid gig, there are still not enough hours in the day!

I want to flag that that has been just my journey towards voluntary simplicity, but that is certainly not the only path.  I've known people who've taken very different paths.  You don't have to be a parent or a white collar worker or married to embrace simplicity.  I think all it really takes is an awareness of the emptiness of our modern American lifestyle that focuses on working to consume more than we need, and a hope that there might be another way.

I'm here to encourage you that there is!